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| 12. Two Become One. [back where I started]
I think it's much more difficult to finish something than to start it. These twelve little essays of mine have been so much fun to write, but when I came to the last three, I hesitated. Have I covered everything? What if I miss something important? Then I came to grips with the fact that marriage is a mystery, and no, I will never cover the great depths of its significance emotionally, spiritually, socially, and oh, the list goes on. So what harm is it to make a #13? or #207? None, none at all. That said, it is very likely that I will add to this little collection of mine as days go by, not only is marriage a mystery, but also because marriage is a living, breathing organism that constantly develops, grows, and morphs over time.
Take my relationship with Josh. I was perusing his old Xanga (www.xanga.com/norcalguy4life) entries a couple days ago, which transported me back to old thoughts, memories, and feelings. I told him, "Josh, it's like you were a different person then." He looked at me with an odd sort of confused look in his eye and asked me why. "Because I know so much more about you than I did in 2005. You've changed, I've changed, and our relationship is in a completely different place."
In 2005, he was a cute boy with a lot of energy--one that I really loved to be around. In 2006, he was a good friend that I developed secret feelings for. I would read his entries, looking for hidden meanings and clues that would reveal if he liked me, too. In 2007, he was a voice on the other end of a long distance phone call--a voice and a soul I embraced as we fought off every challenge with persistence. In 2008, he became my husband, and I knew I loved him enough to say "I do", but not nearly as much or in the same way that I love him in 2010. With every box on every month on every year's calendar, he becomes someone more, someone furthered, someone I didn't see coming, a lovely Love's surprise.
I have always wondered at the phrase "The two shall become one." Some people have limited this to a sexual act, or even defined it as a completion of the formerly incomplete. As my marriage develops and grows, though, the idea of 'two becoming one' becomes all the more real to me. Lately, I've been thinking of it as a lifetime of sharing.
Now, even as I type the word "sharing", visions of stubborn 3-year-olds flash through my head. This is not your preschool-ish, "borrow-for-10-seconds-and-return-immediately-upon-irrational-tantrum" type of sharing. This is something much, much more meaningful. It's a giving, an emptying of ones self, that is sometimes painful and humiliating. It's a attitude not only of "What's mine is yours", but one that goes further to say, "Your needs above my own".
I've talked about shared feelings, memories, and even a shared culture of food, tradition, and humor. And all of that is important, but there's more.
"Two becoming one" is like a miraculous mathematical equation, where the numbers involved are so much more than mere digits. Think about it. One person is not just a body, but a soul, a spirit, a heart--everything that comes along with being a person. If that wasn't vast and complicated enough, now add in another. Two suddenly sounds a lot bigger than normal, eh? Yeah, it's a big deal.
But in this miraculous equation, somehow, all of the past, present, and future of our lives before 'us' and all the past, present, and future of our lives during 'us' unites us a one big, glorious unit, and everything--and I mean everything--is shared. We are one. We are open books to each other; we are clean, sparkling windows that the other may peer into. We don't just share a bed and a house, a dinner table, a bank account, families, and occasionally, socks--but we partake in the fullness of each other. There is nothing I have, nothing I am, nothing I have experienced that isn't up for grabs by Josh--and vice versa. I am his; he is mine.
Not only this, but life changes along the way, and we continue to trod this road, no matter how unclear, difficult, or impossible it may seem. Becoming one. Giving of ourselves. Sharing, at its finest. Maybe it sounds kooky to you, but aren't all miracles that way?
Now take all of that and add in One more. Maybe I should have started with Him, because He really is the reason, the foundation, and the Super Glue of it all--but I thought I'd save the Best for last. The Binding of our love story, God Himself, is the Great Constant of this miracle equation. I change, Josh changes, life throws some crazy curve-balls, but He is faithful and sure. It's because of Him that we aspire to share and are inspired to give endlessly of ourselves. I don't know how people do it without Him, honestly, because I don't know I'd find hope, trust, and faith in this romance if I didn't have Him. Don't get me wrong, Josh is great. But God is greater, and when the unimaginable and un-handle-able happens, our God carries us through and pushes us to love as He does.
It's truly amazing, isn't it? Two becoming one is nothing short of a miracle.
So as I type this twelve of twelve, I will end where I began: Wonder. The same God who created the wondrous gift of marriage also creates and offers countless other precious gifts (He is, after all, the origin of every good and perfect gift, James 1:17). And as wondrous as the view is from here, I find that it only provides greater glimpses into the most glorious Gift of all- The Astonishingly Loving, Wise Giver.
And so, married or single, I hope that you find the same kind of glimpses I have found. I hope you fight against mainstream disillusionment and defilement of these sacred, wondrous gifts--and more importantly, their Giver. I pray that you dive in head-first and believe in what can be, with a little faith and commitment. I really, really hope you discover a newness of wonder at the beauty of God and His creation(s)--a wonder that occurs when we walk down our own proverbial aisle of belief and abandon to His glory and grace.
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| Fasting, Part 2.
Thought: Fasting opens my eyes to what controls me.
Galatians 5:16- So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Fasting opens my eyes to what controls me. As a Christian, I should be living according the Spirit, right? If I were to be brutally honest with myself, though, I'd have to admit that many times, I live more so according my schedule, my physical wants, my emotional desires, and the people around me.
Enter fasting. Fasting causes a neon sign to blaze in the center of my mind--"I AM CONTROLLED BY (Fill in the blank)". The things that were formerly "not a big deal" or even "a-spiritual" are suddenly seen for what they are. As soon as I choose to fast 'that thing', I find myself thinking about it. Obsessing about it.
Case in point: Our youth group took a week-long fast recently, and I decided to fast Facebook. In one sense, I felt freedom. I didn't have to keep up with all the gossip, all the details, all the keep-up that Facebook demands. But in another sense, I felt a magnification of the draw and the hold Facebook had on me. I even noticed myself thinking in the third-person, as if I were updating my status:
"Evie just had the best pizza of her life"
or
"Evie needs a nap."
Isn't that pathetic? Facebook! I'm not saying Facebook is evil, but I will say this: it's pretty sad how something so seemingly harmless can easily become a time-filler, a distraction, having a hold on our hearts that we wouldn't notice, were it not for fasting.
But it doesn't stop there. After the neon sign has been hung in the center of our minds, we are seen for what we truly are: weak, frail, flawed humans, controlled by the things we think we control. Isn't that a great feeling?! In the grand scheme of things, we are single-celled amoebas (or less) compared to God. We need Him. We are completely helpless, left to our own devices.
Stop here. This is not a "Choose Your Own Adventure Book". You can't just turn to page 78 and move on. You gotta' really, truly soak this in. Understand that, no matter what you have been told, you are spiritually inept. You lack what you need. You, in a nutshell, need help.
Got that? Good, now we can move on.
Because it's only when we realize our need of God that we can fully appreciate and experience His grace, His love, His freshness in our lives.
The only hope, our only (but incredibly infinite) Hope is a new Ruler, a new King to truly take His place in our hearts. We need Him to be in control, because He is the only One who can be trusted. He is the only One who actually has power over, well...anything, really.
So suddenly, in this fasting process, we are not only humbled, but we also experience an eye-opening desire and desperation for God to take His rightful place in our hearts. Our hearts are open to His prodding and re-arranging. And that is a good place to be.
More to come...
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| Fasting- Week 1.
Our church has embarked on a corporate, 21-day fast, and I have been asked to write some thoughts here about my experience throughout this process.
Honestly, I feel a little anxious about publicizing these thoughts, because fasting is such a personal endeavor. The reason I'm 'going for it', though, is that I believe fasting to be an intensely overlooked, underestimated spiritual discipline. I believe that if Christ-followers made fasting a regular part of their walk with God, amazing things would result! My hope is that, as I write about this fast, my (and maybe yours, too) eyes would be opened and that, as a result, something wonderful would sprout in our hearts. The funny thing is, inspite of my belief in the importance of spiritual disciplines, I find it so difficult to pursue them! Have you ever felt that way? For the longest time, I've had this feeling, this tugging of a whisper, "Evie, dive in. Be disciplined. When--and only when--you dive in, will you grow and truly be who God wants you to be." And yet I keep shrugging off discipline. Sure, I love God...that's never been in question. Sure, I pray. All the time! Someone might even look at me and say I have an acceptable amount of spiritual discipline in my life. But I know in my heart that I need more. and there's the kicker. That tugging of a whisper, that's God's conviction. I hear that same whisper every time I am afraid, every time I get irritated on the freeway, every time I stop! and realize I need God's power and life inside of me, moment by moment, breath by breath. The heartbreakingly beautiful thing about this convicting, tugging whisper is that it's not a guilt trip or a nagging, shrilly voice; no, it's a Voice of Love that invites me, that knocks at my heart's door, over and over again. A Voice of Honesty, A Voice of Grace, A Voice of Promise. In Revelation, there's this cool verse about Jesus, standing at a door and knocking. I think it's funny that we tend to take this verse out of context, using it as a salvation verse. "Yeah, if only those people who don't believe in God would listen!!" The truth is, however, when put in context, this metaphor was written for Christians. God is constantly knocking at our heart's door. Sure, we believe in Him and we love Him, right? But there's more than that. We gotta' listen for Him, let Him in, dine with Him, be with Him, every meal, every day, every moment. It is time. (More to come...) | | |
| Most Importantly
I have every intention of finishing my "marriage blogs", but today, there is a little fire in my bones, one that was sparked by none other than Pat Robertson.
Yes, we all heard what he said. Whether it was taken out of context, stupid, blasphemous, true, or insensitive--there is another more important (yes, really) matter pulling at my pant leg.
I recently saw the movie, "Angels and Demons." It posed some interesting questions, but none more important than the one asked by Ewan McGregor, as he played the part of Camerlengo Patrick McKenna:
Camerlango P.M.: Do you believe in God, sir?
Robert Langdon: Father, I simply believe that religion...
Camerlengo P.M.: I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believe in God.
Say 'religion', 'Christian', or any words along those lines, and people start to squirm. They immediately think of "Pat Roberton" moments, public or personal, that perpetually gnaw at their core. So many have been burned by the Church. So many have been embittered by the leaders of the Church. Something is eventually done, said, or implied by any part of the Christian 'establishment' (another word people seem to hate) that inevitably hurts someone.
They're part of life, these verbal gaffes. They're unavoidable, these mistakes Christians make. That doesn't make them right and that doesn't mean we should sweep them under the rug, forming a nasty dirt pile that repels people from our living room.
But it does mean this:
Someone, somewhere along the line is going to do something wrong that misrepresents the true God, the Jesus of Christianity. Plain and simple. It will happen.
If you are not a Christian, if you don't believe in God, I hope you never, ever consider basing that decision on the misguided actions of those who do believe. Please don't. Please promise me that, when you consider "religion", it's not about "religion" at all. Don't reject it because all you see is sign-holding haters and straight-laced WASPS. Don't assume the stereotypes, the media portrayals, or even your own experiences are at the heart of my God.
Please, please, promise me that you will ask the Most Important Question:
Do I Believe In God?
Not, "Do I believe in the leaders of the Church?" or "Do I believe in who Pat Robertson says God is?" or "Do I want to associate myself with those I see on TBN?"
But
Do I believe there is a God?
Let me tell you something:
Sarah Palin is not every Republican.
Harry Reid is not every Democrat.
Thank God, not every old man is Hugh Hefner.
and no, Pat Robertson is not every Christian--nor is he (or anyone, for that matter) the epitome of what the word "Christian" means: "little Christ." It's what we all strive to be, but come short as we do--because the very reason we follow Christ is that we are fallen and need Him so desperately.
People are fallible and imperfect. But God is perfect, gracious, and full of love. Find the heart of the matter, walk through the mess of gossip, off-color remarks, and hurt--straight to the important stuff--like prayer, giving, and compassion towards the people of Haiti.
Like mercy towards the fallen and weak.
Like concern and guidance for the lost.
Like finding your answer to "The Question"--Is there a God? And who is He?
Me?
My God is the Creator of this world.
My God is the Promiser of Unbroken Oaths, Faithful, True, Holding to His Word.
My God is Love.
My God is Triune: a Mystery of Father, Son, and Spirit. All Three, Endless and Unfathomable.
My God is Grace and Truth, exemplified in Jesus Christ.
My God said something like this, speaking of the hungry strangers, the imprisoned loners, and the impoverished unclothed:
"Whatever you do for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you do for me.'"
He is the brother to the oppressed, friend to the orphan, Savior of the weak. He is in the eyes of the starving children and in the voice of the homeless guy playing guitar on the corner. And He wants us to reach out with His love and mercy to those who need it most.
That's who my God is.
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Disclaimer: In no way is this meant to bash any one person. There's nothing with being a WASP and no, I'm not comparing Pat R. to Hugh H. That's not my point. My point is this: We are humans and we fail. God is God and He doesn't. That's what counts. | | |
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